In a world where we have everything at the press of a button, and at the speed of a billion pixel resolution, what do you expect to find in a partner?

Let’s compare your wish list to the new apple iPad, its ‘thin, light and fully loaded’.  You can read a book, touch your photographs, play the piano and that’s just the basics.  The advertising is clear, ‘nothing comes between you and what you love’. 

No wonder you get confused when looking for a date, where do you start, how can we compare?  With your new ‘love’ already in your hand, who has the time to dedicate to dating?  I mean it is far less challenging to get familure with your iPad, than it is to understand the mechanics of a woman any day of the week!

My seven year old son knows more about his iTouch than he does about feelings; even having a life coach for a mum is not enough to tempt him away from the thrill of the flashing lights and the speed of a Nintendo.   If I had to compete over any new apple device whilst in the company of a man, wireless connection winds hands down.

Imagine you were asked to focus on dating as though you were designing a new apple product, one that would give you everything you were looking for in one device.  First of all look into your ethos, ask yourself, what is important about this project and what will you put everything into it so that you get the right product made?

  Let’s say you start by giving it plenty of  thought, a panel of advisors even,  then allocating lots of time, a couple of years perhaps.  Add a great big helping of tlc and some resilience for when things go wrong.  This important project will need to be prioritised, given love and understanding to help it grow.

You will probably want to try out your new device in various settings, in a coffee shop, a cinema, at the park, perhaps abroad.  How will you carry the device round with you?  Left at the bottom of the boot or wrapped up and carried protectively in a smart case?

How will I know if it is the right device for me, I hear you ask?  Ahhh, a tricky question, like technology, people are not perfect and have many flaws, just like you.  Take time to discover how they work, what lights them up, what shuts them down.  Put in the time to create something special, be resilient and loving, and create something just for you.

Let Connect be your advisory panel!

Jo Barnett

Dating Coach

The question is how can you best navigate that field and come out with the gold you are searching for rather than coals, and covered in black soot?

As a professional dating coach I will let you into the secrets of the hidden minefield of dating!  What men and women want but would never admit to on a date, how to get positive results and find your soul mate.

With old fashioned romance out of the window and hundreds of new apps on the phone, it takes about a month to arrange a phone call, and it is often too late to wait for the opposite sex to communicate, as by then one or both parties will have changed their mind or moved on to pastures new!

Yes it is harsh down in the mine; we are literally dating in the dark.  No one knowing what they are looking for, and scared that they might never find it.  With the right help by your side, your confidence can grow, and you will see that there are many lovely people in this minefield, just waiting to be rescued!  One to one dating coaching with a personal life coach is great for growing your self belief and enhancing your dating technique.

Firstly let’s look at what goes on in the man’s mind, when he is looking for a lady to date.  From my experience most men think they are looking for about twenty different attributes, from beauty and intelligence to success and adventure.  Often they will surprise themselves when they find that one special piece of gold that makes them feel warm inside, looked after, loved and accepted.  How often have you seen a very odd looking couple so deeply in love, one partner is very attractive the other not so.  Truth is, when a woman makes a man feel special, and holds herself in high esteem, he will forget about anyone else in the room.

The most successful daters are people who are looking to give of themselves to someone else.  An example of this is taking the time out to listen to someone’s day, to go with when he has an errand to run, or to pick up her favourite food and cook it for dinner.  In fact dating is the opposite to what we are told, it’s all about the giving and not receiving.  When two people are trying their best to give the outcome is success.

While men have to learn to be givers, to get off the arm chair and turn off the sport, women really should be looking to move beyond the bubble they have created in their mind.  Girl meets boy, falls in love, fireworks soar, and they live happily ever after.  Of course you should have your happily ever after, but after, you have put in the effort, then you will reap the rewards!  Its like expecting to win the gold medal before you have even tried on your trainers and done the stretches.  So ladies, please put down the glossy mag, turn off your phone and pay REAL attention to your date.  Men want to be appreciated, show your appreciation for every little thing he does at the beginning; this will endear him to you.

Say the little things that make him feel like the man; ‘thank you so much for holding the door open, you are a true gent.’  When spoken to like this he will want to open every door for you, forever!

My advice for the men reading this; if you find yourself single and searching put down your flash light and get connected to your heart.  Women are like diamonds, they need to be cherished, complimented and communicated with at all times!

All you ever wanted to know about dating!!!

*            How can I meet someone?

*            How will I know if they are right for me?

*            Where should I go to meet people to date?

These questions are the top three questions I get asked every day and so I have decided to give you the answers, right here on my website…

I hope that someday soon I will be sharing my insights with you personally and giving you the knowledge and self-belief to move forward.

Firstly;

How can I meet someone?

How do you want to meet someone? Have you truly thought about what works for you and what has worked in the past?  Have you connected well over the Internet or found it better socialising face to face?  Only YOU know the answer, and there ARE lots of singles forums to MEET people, so no more excuses please, get on line or scroll down for my suggestions!

Imagine you are in a bar and the man/ woman of your dreams walks in (I did say imagine).  How would you like him or her to notice you?

a)  By you sitting in the corner with your arms folded.

b)  Standing by the bar with a drink in your hand, smiling and open to chatting to whoever looks friendly.

c)    On the dance floor having fun

Do remember that you are 50% responsible in catching someone’s eye, so don’t let an opportunity slide by.  Always be receptive and warm, allow space for the person to come and approach you or even better, go and approach them.

How will I know if they are right for me?

This takes practice so go easy on yourself, in truth do you REALLY need to know straight away!!

Seriously though, how do you feel when you are with this person?  Are you smiling or shrinking into yourself?  Are you having fun or waiting for him or her to move on?  Do you feel a connection?  Do you feel understood and heard?  These are just some of the questions to be asking yourself.

Where should I go to meet someone I want to date?

Singles events/ dinners

Dinner dates, speed dating

Walking groups, book club…

Internet sites

Take up ceroc, salsa dancing, 5 rhythms dance etc…

Bars, pubs, friends of friends….

I set you a challenge for the coming week, make two social arrangements where you are going to meet new people.  Make sure you go and take it for what it is, a fun night out, who knows whom you many meet!

Please let me know all the success stories!!!

Warm Wishes

Jo Barnett

Dating Coach

The invitation arrives in the post, your good friend so and so is getting married and you are invited to the Wedding.  Two waves of emotion wash over you, happiness for the friend who is tying the knot and panic that you will be on your own forever!

It feels like the rest of the world is happily married with families and you are the only singleton left.  What’s worse is, there’s just no one to date anymore…  If I had a petticoat for every time someone has said that to me, I would have a wedding dress the size of a huge meringue.  As a dating coach I try to sit on the fence when people talk to me about their plight of being single.  Despite the fact that I could write the script, I will listen to tale of how impossible it is to meet Mr or Ms right, how they have tried EVERYTHING, and that there is nothing left to do other than eat wedding cake on your own at a table of happily married couples.

One question I ask is, ‘what do you really want, say five years down the line?  When trying to get out there and date it’s really important to keep sight of the long term goal, stay focused.  The answer will be, to be married with a happy family.  Great, and how do you propose you will get there?  ‘I don’t know, because there is no one decent out there’.  You notice the repetition here, where people will constantly use the excuse that it’s just impossible; it’s not me it’s them.

Why do singles choose to stay in this perspective? Firstly because it’s comfortable, there is no personal work involved here, you just keep swimming along until Mr or Ms right comes along and walks straight into you.  There is no responsibility to take and you get to be right about being the only single person on the marrieds table.

Turning this negativity around, I ask people to see dating from a fresh perspective, for instance a place of hopefulness and positivity, what would you do from this place?

For a start let’s put a smile on their faces and give off the vibes they are so looking to receive!  Some of this will be warmth, connection, honesty, vulnerability and openness.  Imagine going to the wedding with all of this oozing out of you, smiling from ear to ear and celebrating with hope and understanding, how would that be?  The chances are all the couples on the table would be reaching for their contact list to set you up before you could say Mazeltov!

Secondly, you would get to enjoy each experience of going out and see it as an opportunity to network and enrol people in the fact that you are single and would love to meet someone special.  The Jewish community is so small that we have to really reach out to one another and use all our connections

When you are out enjoying yourself that’s when the magic happens, you get to show your true identity and enjoy each experience for what it is.  Imagine how you will then greet Mr or Ms right when you finally find each other, with love and with gratitude, being able to share all the wonderful things you have discovered about yourself while being single.  How much more attractive do you become to the opposite sex!

Now, as to getting into action and moving forward there are other steps to take.  You may decide to book a few sessions with a dating coach like myself, to help motivate you and to stay focussed on what’s important.  You can get a great profile written up and persist at on line dating or simply go out there and get em!!

What ever you choose have fun!!

Xxx

Jo

Hi Everyone,

A little Christmas story that I would like to share with you….

It’s about a group of five friends who were looking to meet ‘the one’, in time for the holiday season.  They had tried all the obvious things like match.com, Jdate,  Jmeet, Jenoughalready! , Connect dating agency and many others.    They had shares in Friday night dinners and had drunk more chicken soup than you and I have had cappuccinos.

Sarah, the louder in the group had suggested that they had exhausted the London singles scene so they should all head over to New York, in the three months leading up to Christmass / Channukah.

New York! What an exciting place, millions of singles just waiting to be snapped up by a true Brit and taken out for a ‘cup of tea”.   So o many singles parties to attend, places to visit, the friends were spoilt for choice.  So they packed up on a whim and headed out to the big Apple.

It’s true what they say about New York, ‘bright lights and a big city’.  So many handsome guys walking around like a Levis advert and the girls looking like Cameron Diaz.  Emma was in charge of the schedule and where all the best parties were happening.  One night was the Chanukah ball, the next a speed dating wine tasting and bagels, followed by getting to know yourself better with Doctor Ruth, sex therapist.  Hundreds of singles attended, Sarah was sure she would find her ideal guy by the end of the week.

As each week went by the group of five remained single, all of them (despite a few fun dates here and there).  For some reason no one wanted to commit to more than a Thursday night and maybe a coffee Sunday morning.   You can imagine what a disappointment this was to this group of friends.  Emma had lost so much weight you could hardly see her, each time she walked into a party all heads would turn to admire her perfect figure and her designer dresses, she had never looked better.  Simon had got himself a top job with a Law firm and was wining and dining girls every night, yet still had not bagged himself a princess.  Hannah had been to all the best hang outs for the last forty Saturday nights and yet not one man she was interested in would look her way.  They all felt totally frustrated and on the verge of giving up for good.  At least they still had each other, and a very big overdraft.

Things remained the same pretty much and it was finally time to arrive home with a bump.  The plane touched down and Sarah reached for her hand luggage from the hold all above.  She had gone straight from the gym to the plane, no makeup, her oldest tracksuit ever, hair looking like a birds nest in winter.

It was one of those cringe moments when all your luggage falls out the compartment at once and hit the people in front and behind like an unexpected snow shower.   Magazines, candy, iphone all came tumbling down at once.  Feeling a bit flushed with embarrassment she began picking up bits of make up and tissues, stuffing it into her pockets with a smile and a red flushed face.  One young man picked up a hershy bar and kindly offered it back, flashing a gorgeous smile.  Wow!  So this is what instant attraction felt like….  Daniel was his name and he was just moving to the UK to start up a new business, he was funny, intelligent and very interested in getting to know Sarah.  They clicked instantly and exchanged numbers before you could say mac eyeliner., the rest is history…..

As for the others, the learning was to let go of the search and relax.   Not to go out with the intention of impressing Mr or Miss right.   By simply believe in the magic that is life, trusting in it and opening up your heart to others, and before you know it your match will find you.

If you find yourself single and searching over the holiday season, I advise you to turn to your close  friends, the ones you have fun with.   Go have that fun, celebrate in you and all that you have to offer the world.

My gift to you this Christmas is celebration and magic, now go get some!!

Lol

Jo Barnett

xx

I noticed recently what a big impact authenticity has on our lives.  When you go out on a date are you trying to be someone? Behaving in a certain way, talking about things you have achieved?  Acting out a role like you are in a movie.

What would it be like if you were told you had nothing to prove? That you are perfect just as you are.  How about if I suggested that you go into work and ask for what you want, and be prepared to hear no.

How much more would you go for if you were being authentic, just you, doing what you do?  Wouldn’t you want that for your friends, your family?

If you had just one day to achieve something great what would you do?   What strength would you find to do it?  How rewarding would the process be and how high would you hold your head up.

What would it be like to allow yourself to be seen?

Recently I have been practicing being authentic and it has had incredible results every time.  I remember feeling cheated and frustrated by feeling obliged to put on a bit of an act.

Only great things have come when I begin to let my guard down and let people in.  When I speak from my heart and not from the plan that has formed in my head I get truly powerful results.

An example of this was happened over the summer, as I stood by watching a close friend make the same mistake with a guy over and over.  My friend was seeing someone who did not want a relationship and I did not want to hurt her feelings by telling her that she was wasting her time.  Suddenly I opened up to her and told her that I felt her relationship was all wrong and that she should tell the guy she was seeing how she really felt instead of pretending everything was okay.

At first my friend was a bit shocked by my honesty, then she acknowledged me and then she had a real heart to heart with her boyfriend, the first real conversation she had really ever had in a year.

Later that week she received a big apology and was invited to move in with the guy she is seeing.  He felt much closer to her after their chat and wanted to take things to the next level.

I was so delighted for her and for myself, having learnt that when you speak to someone from the heart amazing things do happen.

Hope you get to try this out, or if you don’t feel brave enough to try it on your own, why not call me for some one to one coaching and we can work on it together.

Warm Wishes

Jo

xx

Over the weekend I was out with a group of single friends and we got caught up in the debate over who should pay on the first date?  Is it okay for a woman to ask a guy out?  When is the right time for the woman to insist on paying for the man?

There seemed to be a real difference of opinion, as one girl got very upset when I suggested she should not ever ask a guy out and that she should not rush straight away to return his phone calls and certainly not pay on a first date…

I went on to explain about ’The rules’, in brief, something that I have been looking into latesly with interest.  Its a modern version of how the older generations would date, and looking at the increase in singletons I see it as a positive step in dating.  The rules is about holding yourself in high self esteem, valuing yourself as the prize worth winning, and at the very least, prioiritising your health and welbeing before you scedule in any dates!

The thing is that men like the chase, and by not calling them back immediately and being a bit vague with your weekly wareabouts, you are creating some of the magic and mystery that is needed to ignite the male interest in the early stages of dating.

One girl said that she did the rules on a guy she liked and he stopped calling her and asking her out.  When she asked why, he replied, ‘you never agree to date me on a Saturday night, I thought you were just not interested.’  She went on to explain that in order to get a Saturday night date with her, he had to call on a Tuesday the latest and he had been asking her on a Thursday.  To me this makes perfect sense, if I wanted to see a girl friend on a Saturday night, I will ask her about a week in advance, or by Tuesday night, its about planning and respect.

Then we got on to the subject of money, wow!!  I nearly got my drink thrown at me when I strongly suggested that women should not be paying on the first two dates.  Yes you should always offer, but don’t take away the man’s job of treating you and spoiling you.  It makes them feel like a man and that they are doing something nice for you, never feel like you have to give anything in return, your company is more than enough.

The poor guy in the group of three women admitted that he liked to pay for women and that it is not about the money at all.  Once you get into more of a relationship he then expected the woman to buy some coffees and offer to cook a dinner say once a fortnight.

Then there is the book called ’he’s just not that into you’.  This book came up as I boldly explained that men really don’t need our help in asking them out.  There are simply not too shy, nervous, forgetful, ill or any other excuse….to pick up the phone/ computer/ text to ask you out.  And when you help them out, you take away their job.  However, acting friendly and encouraging, is going to give them the confidence to ask you out in the first place.

So ladies, next time you are reaching for your purse on a first date, or dialing his number to ask him out, just stop for a moment and wait…

The best things in life are worth waiting for….

Please do email me back with your comments; I would love to hear from you!

Jo Barnett

Dating Coach

This event is for Connect Members only, and we hope to put it on again at a later stage as an open event!

Men’s Dating Workshop
Jo Barnett   Dating Coach &  Tony Freeman  Cognitive Therapist

Prepare yourself for the dating game

• Tips on how best to present yourself on the date
• Advice on how to improve your dating skills and ultimately get better results
• Confidence building
• Strategies to deal with any anxiety
• Define what you are looking for and set realistic expectations
• Dealing with rejection and getting back in the game

The idea behind this workshop is to get the guys together and give them some hot tips on how to brush up on their dating skills.

I will be stressing the importance of starting from within, really nurturing yourself and being honest about your flaws, as well as celebrating your strengths.

Are you ready to date?

Are you willing to fail?

Over the last three years I have been on a number of dates and what kept me smiling was my willingness to fail, to laugh at myself and the situation, then to pick myself straight up and get right back out there again.

Be yourself!

If you share something of yourself you get closer to someone and allow them to see a more vulnerable side of you, this is what makes relationships so compelling, the chance to relate intimately with another human being.

Listen and be listened too..

Make sure you are listening fully to your date, you can do this by trying to shut out your own thoughts just for a while, its surprising how much more you can connect when you listen.  Ask questions back, ‘how did that make you feel?’,  ’what was it like growing up in…?’,  ’What did you love most about your experience in India?’.

Last but not least (at all!!)

WHAT IS SPECIAL ABOUT YOU?

WHAT DO YOU LOVE ABOUT YOURSELF ?

WHERE IS THERE ROOM FOR IMPROVEMENT?

If you need to work on any of the above before you are ready to date, I suggest you find yourself a mentor, someone who will be honest with you and suggest where you can improve on and then support you in that time.

One of my big reccomendations is to make yourself more interesting!

Take up a new hobby, learn a language, travel, play a new outrageous sport, learn to dance / cook / sing!

Nothing makes you feel as good as experiencing life, day by day, taking on new challenges and getting out there, being prepared to laugh at yourself.  I promise you will have many more ladies lining up to laugh with you!!

Bye for now

xx

change…

Do you ever have the feeling that your life is a bit of a merry go round? You feel stuck, wanting to change the direction or the journey and not knowing where to start?

It happens to us all…  Just recently I became aware that things have stopped, the pace has slowed down, exciting things are not happening, all the dreams and ambitions I have are filed away under ‘future’, and this has left me feeling restless.

When this happens, there are one or two courses of action you can take, the first one is to jump off the treadmill and pick up the pace, change direction and do something drastic, move jobs, reinvent yourself, take up a new sport…

The second option is to simply hold on for a while and keep going, eventually nature will run its course and the answer will come to you.  The universe will bring about a natural change for you, as long as you want it and are prepared to work at it.

What I love about the second option is how natural life can be and how straight forward.  By going about your daily life and doing what you need to do, change can happen, nothing stays the same forever, even if you desire it to.

Just to confuse you, I am going to throw a spanner in the works, what if you were to combine both of the above?  You can do this by creating something new in your life, whilst at the same time allowing the process of where you are at to play out, and to embrace where you are at, instead of making it wrong, using every experience to cement your future.

Try it out and let me know what happens!  Take up my challenge and go into work tomorrow knowing that its just the right place for you, its where you should be right now, on this very day.

During the day be inspired by your true hearts desire and sign up for it, whether it’s a change of career, an adventure holiday or even just joining a different dating site, the world is your oyster.

I did this and it lead me towards an incredible opportunity that just fell into my lap.  Tune in next time to find out what it is!!

Happy living…

I’ve had a very interesting week including three dates and a near miss. Dating can be so fun when its going well and yet it can be quite discouraging when its not.

Last Sunday night I went out for dinner with someone and we really hit it of, well in a way.

What was right was that he fitted my ‘image ‘ of who I was looking for perfectly, in that he was intelligent, engaging, cute, generous, successful and unattached.  On the down side he was short, formal, did not make me laugh, and geographically unsuitable.  However, I still left the date on a high as some of what I was looking for was certainly there and he seemed to be very keen.

The second date was set and I was most hopeful.  A week later and I was heading over to meet Jon for our second date and suddenly I was not so excited anymore, the connection seemed to have faded in a week and I had not spoken to him since we last meet, despite him trying to contact me in the week regarding our ‘dinner arrangements’.

As our eyes meet at the bar, my heart sank, there seemed to be a mutual disappointment, or maybe it was just my disappointment in him, and he would have picked up on that.

A drink at the bar later and nothing had got better, in fact it went remarkably down hill, and whilst I was struggling to find a conversation with him, at the same time I was wondering how long the dinner would take, and if I would be lucky enough to have some time left to go out and actually have some fun after this very dry date.

To no surprise the conversation did not pick up, and despite all my best efforts of enthusiasm, it was very clear, neither of us were that turned on.  This is the stage that I struggle with, WHY I repeat WHY did I enter a five star restaurant with him and put myself through an additional two hours of polite conversation!!

Would it not have been possible to level with him and suggest we pass on dinner, that in fact perhaps we are just two very different people, from different walks of life, and wish each other all the best for the future?

How polite is it to allow a guy to buy you a very expensive dinner, to allow him to struggle through an evening that is clearly going no where, simply because, it’s the right thing to do??

Well ladies and gentleman, I would like to give all of you dating angels out there the permission to say, an early goodnight, with all the love and politeness in the world, so that you don’t have to experience the mastermind of inventive questions I had to conjure up on my date last night!

There’s a lot to be said for honesty!!